The longing to be known, to belong, goes deep in our hearts. When that longing has been tested and squelched by people, an event, or even by a church community, it can take us to a lonesome and dark place. Gayle and Evan Anderson have experienced this from the beginning and throughout life. Recently, and with little hope, God showed them something greater than their circumstances that gave them a peek into the fact that they are known and have always belonged to him.
“I think back to when I was born, the doctors flipped me over and saw the hole on my back,” Evan described when his family first learned about his spina bifida (SB) diagnosis. “They were all wondering how they could have missed this. They told my parents that I would never amount to anything, I would be home all the time, I wouldn’t be able take care of myself, and to not expect any communication skills. They told my parents to love me now because I would not last long.”
Even from his first moment in this world, the fight to belong, or the lie of not belonging began for Evan. Growing up, Evan’s life was consumed by surgeries and doctor’s appointments. He wasn’t raised in a religious home. Evan would call himself agnostic. Determined to find fun and a group, he heard in high school about wheelchair basketball and reached out to a local team.
“With God, I was like, yeah sure, there’s something out there, but I didn’t know what,” Evan shared. “All that pain from the surgeries and with my body, it was more like there was something, but I didn’t know what to call it. I thought God was something to get through it. When I joined wheelchair basketball and played with guys, I had people praying for me. It felt good, and I started to wonder what was going on. There might be something going on with this praying. I think that team led me to a belief of purpose.”
Gayle was also born with SB. She was adopted at birth by a Christian couple. She grew up literally in the church as her father was a minister. Even with loving parents, Gayle experienced loneliness and depression from being hurt by people and by the church.
“My parents tried to shield me from everything at church and from people,” Gayle expressed with reluctance. “But you hear it and see it...the bullies when I was younger, the worry about my parents as I got older. My parents had a lot of hurt from the church and how they were treated. I never dealt with it until I was older. I didn’t verbalize it but felt it. I internalized it. I remember my 7th grade year; my parents and I were sitting down for supper one night and was asked to pray over the meal. I ended the prayer with “and God be with me, to live through the night.” I knew I was going to be made fun of at school the next day, but no one knew. I had thoughts of ending it. I felt so down. My eyes were closed praying, I felt the panic feeling and when I finished praying, I opened my eyes and my parents just looked at each other in horror. We sat there and talked, and I told them everything. From that time on, things changed. My dad changed churches and I changed schools. I still had thoughts here and there, but it was different.”
Gayle gave her life to the Lord during that season. She felt God’s love in everything. When she was 18, she told her dad she wanted to get rebaptized. She meant it as a young girl, but as a young adult, she owned it even more.
Around the same time, Evan at the age of 16 started working at his first job. His coworker was a part-time pastor. Evan went to school with his son.
“We had similar interests,” Evan described. “He told me that he was starting a youth group in town, and that if I was interested, to come check it out. So, one Wednesday night, I showed up with my brother and sister. They both stayed, so I thought I would too. I started to realize truths and that God had been with me all along. Six months later, sitting around in the small groups, I felt something wrong or different. The pastor's son asked me what was wrong, and I told him that I felt like I needed to talk to the big guy. That I needed to talk to God, but I didn’t know how. He and I prayed right there.”
Evan found his faith through that youth group and a faithful co-worker. Evan found what God had been putting on his heart the whole time and that was Jesus. He found truth in the Bible and a burden lifted and replaced with unconditional love. He would need it for the trials and hurt that would come. After putting his trust into a church and a pastor, that same youth pastor shut everyone out in life, including Evan, and disappeared.
“It broke my heart and my siblings and was devastating,” Evan recalled, first finding out about the man’s affair and betrayal. “This man I trusted abandoned his family and all of us. For me, it was first church hurt and then double abandonment.”
God’s plan was not thwarted, however. His hand was still orchestrating His plan, which is always good, in Evan and Gayle’s life. With all these trials, there was also the reality of living life with SB. It is a never ending, always persistent schedule of doctor visits and surgeries, and lots of miles in the car. The closest clinic that provided care for SB patients is at the Shriner hospital in Minneapolis. That clinic served all SB patients in that area and made the SB community a little bit smaller. Evan and Gayle first met as teenagers passing through the clinic.
“We would go to the SB Clinic every six to nine months for the majority of our childhood and adolescence” Evan described. “Gayle and I met when we were 16 and 17 and I tried to recruit her to play basketball. We really didn’t talk for a couple of years and there were a few random emails. Gayle lived three hours away from Evan. After a few years I started to notice her more and in a different way. And then my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.”
Evan was 19 when he and his mom got the news. He thought of Gayle and reached out to her. Gayle offered a listening ear and when they could, they would meet up and talk. The last time Gayle got to meet Evan’s mom, Gayle’s parents were with her, and the five of them had a wonderful moment together. Two weeks later, Evan’s mom passed and without an invitation, Gayle and her parents showed up for Evan. Not long after, it was Gayle and her parents who packed up Evan and moved him into their house. Evan was alone and not in a healthy environment. What initially was a saving grace for Evan, also became a saving grace for Gayle and her family.
“They stopped me from doing something I shouldn’t,” Evan said quietly. "That family sacrificed a lot. When I came into the picture, their church was getting bad.”
Gayle’s father was pastoring at a small church in Iowa for the past few years and at that time, was being ostracized by an elder and a few members. Her father stepped down and left the church. It would be years later where all of them would begin to trust a church and its people.
After completing college and four years of dating, Evan and Gayle got married. They moved to Omaha. Once in a while, they would muster up some strength and attend a random church. They didn’t feel welcomed and the pain from the past was too real. Who wants to get hurt by people and the church, again?
“I still kept in contact with the wife of the youth pastor from my past,” Evan recalled. “Momma Carol is her name, and she came to us and said “you should try our church.” I heard about Citylight but didn’t know there was a West gathering. Last December we came. I remember just thinking “Wow! These people are saying hello. They are greeting you. They are preaching truth and engaging. There are people talking to you.” It doesn’t feel like there are walls up nor fake. In the past, I would usually get that from everyone and pastors. Afterward, I told all of that to Momma Carol but also that I didn’t know if I wanted to do this church thing again. There was so much church hurt. She reminded me with these words “just remember God doesn’t fail you, people do.” It meant we were focusing on the wrong parts. We are all coming to church broken.”
Slowly and patiently, Gayle and Evan took steps of trust and entered the church. And as they did, the Holy Spirit was with them. Change started to happen in their hearts. Feelings were unearthed that they hadn’t felt in years.
“I struggled with addictions in life,” Evan confessed. “When I came to this church, I was finding that pull again to get out of it. To look at my marriage differently. You know, I fight with some stuff. This was the first time I wanted to be involved and actually live for others. Personally, I want to and now know how to lead with respect for my father and lead now with really good boundaries.”
For Gayle, it took a little longer. She was very unsure about coming to church. There was the very real feeling of fear, betrayal and hurt would happen again. It’s been a long road, but God has been faithful and persistent. He knows we belong in His church body. He knows what’s best for His children.
“It’s really started me on a mental health journey,” Gayle shared. “It’s been a lot. The first couple of months, Evan had to drag me here. Coming from hurt, it’s hard. Evan and I understand. I know now that it’s okay to take time, but to never stop asking God to help open up your heart. I remember praying “Lord, be with me, open up my heart to these people. I have been able to fully open my heart. I can feel and come broken and that’s okay. For years, I thought I couldn’t come broken, especially being a minister’s daughter. That I would be judged, or my parents would be judged. I didn’t want that to happen. But now, I have been shown and now have courage to come to church broken and I’ve seen a difference.“
These past six months, Evan and Gayle’s faith has revealed God’s care.
"He does take care of His children and He never abandons them,"
Gayle concluded, with tears in her eyes.
“Be patient. It will come and in God’s time. It’s understandable to be very unsure at first. It’s easy for the mind to overpower the heart. My heart needed to heal to help my mind. It will take some time. But give God’s church a chance, again and again. My parents are now coming to Citylight!”
If you are reading this and feel lonely, have experienced abandonment, or have questioned your identity and place in God’s Kingdom and church, would you come to church this Sunday as a first step? Evan and Gayle, who are now greeting at the front door at West most Sundays, would say to you,
“come to a place where you find people who are equally broken but still find the time to care for you. People who are happy to see you. That you are here for you and want to be used for His glory. A place where you will hear the Good message and where you will be fed. Where you can find a home. We are all in the same boat. Don’t focus on you, but on something else. Refocus your pain onto Jesus. Find people who are willing to help you and to encourage you. It is life changing and it has changed us.”
There are churches that care for its people and who are Jesus-centered. Don’t give up finding one. Because of Christ, you forever belong in God’s family and are known.