Matt loved to see others happy. He found deep satisfaction in making people happy; it was his unspoken life goal and core identity. While finding joy in others is admirable, tying your self-worth to their unpredictable emotions can be uncertain.
Matt learned this five years ago as a student in college. When a friend went through a crisis he couldn't fix, his natural desire to help spiraled into an anxious compulsion.
“I was dating a girl,” Matt described the moment his life changed. “I didn’t know how to handle a hard situation she was going through. I struggled with obsessive compulsive disorder and anxiety came over me. It was so bad. I couldn’t handle knowing I couldn’t help her. I thought I should be the guy that knew what to do and act on it. Here she came to me for help, and I couldn’t.”
“That reality brought bad thoughts into me. I had so many intrusive thoughts. The anxiety got worse. I couldn’t handle anything. I broke up with her and left college. I went home. I didn’t know how to feel. My roommate drove me home one night. It was the last two weeks of the semester. I broke down. I couldn’t sleep. I was put on medication. I couldn’t think of anything. I just wanted my family.”
Matt had no mental health issues or took medication before. He was scared. He started to question everything ... “Why was this happening?” “Where did this come from?” “What is my purpose and how do I get out of this?”
“I was in my bathroom, looking in the mirror and it came to me,” Matt shared. “I say I am a Christian, but I am a rotten sinner. I grew up in a Christian household, but I didn’t pray. And then it dawned on me ... Who is Jesus? Genuinely. I have seen miracles in people. I have seen change but not in me. Web MD led me to nothing. Everything was leading me to nothing. My prayer was for clarity. I asked Jesus to present himself in my life. I knew I was the worst. I wanted to be changed.”
After returning to school from break, Matt got the courage to seek answers from his roommate. He then got involved at Citylight Lincoln, joined the Salt Company college ministry, and began spending time in God's Word. Little by little, his perspective began to change. As he came to understand the true message of the gospel, he also began to understand what it meant for his own life.
“I was in love knowing and learning about God,” Matt confessed. “At the same time, I would catch myself wanting a temporary fix. I asked myself “What is this? Isn’t he supposed to change this?” I realized then you have to go to Jesus to be set free. Not the quick fix. It felt backwards. I had to open up about my feelings, struggles and sin. I had to confess all the guilt and shame. God brought so much clarity. No matter what I had done or do, he has done and taken everything from me. He has given back love. It’s all love. He is love. I had a twisted view of love.”
Matt’s identity and happiness was fixed on God. No longer tethered to the demands of pleasing others and himself, Matt was free. Free from his desires and fears and from relentless anxiety.
After graduating from college, Matt moved to Omaha, where one of his closest friends was living. Matt had always admired his friend's steadfast faith and the way he consistently lived it out. Through his friend and his family, Matt was introduced to Citylight. It wasn't until recently that Matt recognized his deep need for church.
“It was my cousin,” Matt described. “He reached out to me and asked, “Do you want to go to church with me?” Ever since that day I have been going to the West location. The sermon message makes sense to me, and it feels like home. I feel welcomed. I now see the people God has used in my life to help build my relationships and with him.”
The third Sunday Matt attended the West location there was baptism. As he listened to each person's testimony, he heard story after story of transformation and freedom. He was especially moved by several men from the prison ministry who boldly shared how Jesus had freed them from guilt and shame, given them new hearts, and transformed their lives. Their public declaration of faith brought Matt to tears. In that moment, he knew he wanted—and needed—to experience that same freedom and publicly proclaim his faith in Christ.
“I was amazed seeing all of these guys who have given their life to Jesus,” Matt said with sincerity. “It was the first time I saw people set free. I knew then I didn’t have the right picture. I thought it was all based on works...Things that I can and must do to please God and to get Jesus to love me and to reach out to me. Here God has been there the whole time. It was the first time I saw that. It's belief based in him and with that much love and grace.”
With this new understanding of Jesus, something clicked in Matt. Matt decided to get baptized. He signed up for the next baptism class and in May he publicly proclaimed Jesus as his Savior by getting baptized in front of his Citylight family.
“That was Sunday May 31st,” Matt declared. “That was also my birthday. My 25th birthday I was born again. I got to show my parents and family a great thing. I feel free. I feel loved. I want them to know that they provided for me and showed me hope. But Jesus has given me everything and has filled my life. Jesus literally changed me. I want people to know that if you aren’t for him, I will gladly tell you that he knows you and asks you to believe in him. It’s not about what church or denomination you are, just believe in who he is. There is so much grace. Go to him for everything. It can be hard to go to him because of the guilt and shame. He will listen. Say it out loud. Write it down. Pray to him.”
Matt has always loved helping people. However, when he couldn't fix the struggles of those around him, he carried the weight of shame and anxiety. Today, because he knows God who faithfully provides perfect help to all who seek Him, Matt is free to help others in a different way—by pointing them to Christ and sharing how God has transformed his own life.
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