Alyssa Donley loved how dance made her feel. Since the age of five she knew she wanted to be a ballet dancer. She wanted to devote all of her days to ballet. It gave her a sense of control and satisfaction, and it also demanded a great deal of Alyssa. Many times, she would find herself daydreaming about rehearsals during school or church. She wanted to be perfect so that others, including herself, would be pleased.
She believed in God and felt safe in her church community, but the idol of ballet was too tempting - a transition that happened almost gradually as her career took off.
“Dance has been my passion most of my life,”
Alyssa explained.
“It’s an art form that desires perfection. I appreciated that since I was already a ‘type A’ organized person. That’s why I loved to train in ballet. When ballet became my career, it became an even greater idol. It felt like it made me selfish. When I experienced injuries, I would be at a low. My injuries would be all-consuming and made me self-absorbed. When you dealt with pain, you still had to look graceful and do your job, so you ended up shutting out everybody else and their needs. Your days were consumed with keeping up with the performance demands and getting through the season.”
A few years ago, compounding injuries finally forced Alyssa into retirement. She sought counseling and questioned her identity outside of dance. But then her sweet daughter, Rosa came. Going through a pregnancy and childbirth made Alyssa’s body change even more and with that, another wave of uncertainty. Her desire for perfection and control over her body was challenged.
Two years ago in February, everything changed. What was thought to be a simple back injury from being de-conditioned postpartum ended up being Stage 4 breast cancer that had spread to her spine, organs and brain. Facing those first few months after the diagnosis, Alyssa recalled how quickly her world shifted:
“The illusion of control over my body was shattered. Suddenly, this diagnosis and disease took control over my whole life. All of the exercising, eating well and “right” health choices, were thrown to the side. I had no control over my body, and it was no longer my own. I was frustrated then and am still frustrated now. Now that my hair has grown back in, the new drugs are making it thin out again. The lymphedema in my arm causes swelling that makes my clothes uncomfortable. My body is not at all what it was. And then there is the battle everyday with my mind. Trying not to think of the future.”
Several months in a hospital made Alyssa question if she would return to life.
“The lowest of lows was in the hospital, and it made me look to God,”
Alyssa confessed.
“I was septic, hooked up to a feeding tube with no energy and so weak. One day I fell, and I remember my face hitting the floor. I didn’t know if I would pull out of it. All of that made me look to God. My faith had been somewhat passive before, but in the coming months, it had to be my first priority. I was so grateful how God pulled me out of the darkness. He has given me value in life every day. He has healed me in so many ways.”
Since that frightful season, Alyssa has had time to consider everything. That’s been another unexpected gift. When asked what she would say to herself knowing what she knows now, Alyssa didn't hesitate:
“I would have told myself not to strive so much. It’s not about the resume’. Your body fades... It all fades. Whether with aging or with cancer. The glory days of my 20’s and my professional career are now only memories and pictures. I can show pictures to my daughter of my dancing years, and I can celebrate that, but that history can’t be my pride and self-worth.
It cannot be the identity that I carry with me and pass on because it doesn’t last.”
Alyssa continued,
“Jesus sees me apart from that identity. He gave me gifts to share with others, but they are not my core identity. He didn’t intend that. He is the identity. Living that out now is my priority. It’s easy to be busy and delighted by organized schedules, a full workload, and taking trips. So, I have to look at my priorities and keep asking, ‘Lord, am I pursuing others?,’ ‘Do I represent Christ?,’ ‘Am I filling myself up with Him rather than pleasure and self-promotion?’ My source of life must be Jesus.”
What does today hold for Alyssa? Her cancer is currently dormant as she continues to receive treatments. She is a wife to her wonderful husband and a mom to her 2-year-old daughter. She works part time with physical therapy patients and also teaches ballet students. The biggest thing is that she has a completely different perspective. She would tell you that today feels hopeful, as if a new gift is presented to her every morning. It’s because she has been freed from her idols and in exchange, given a custom-made body that feels and sees through God-made lenses.
“I have been given no promises from my doctors about my future. However, being able to walk out of that cancer fight to a state of normalcy now feels like a gift. To work with patients, to teach dancers... all a gift. My cancer experience has humbled me in my faith. The way I look at my patients or students is with humility. I have been given patience, and it has turned my eyes off of me and onto others. Now I just want to love others better. I get to practice empathy on a daily basis.”
Alyssa has learned that there are so many others who are hurting and suffering. Everyone has their own burden to carry but in different ways. To those who are battling for their life or know someone that is, Alyssa shared this encouragement and truth.
“There is nothing certain in life. There is literally nothing else to hope in but Jesus. Your life is not over after this life on earth. Jesus will walk beside you to the very end and past that. It gives you a sense of security and the most authentic hope. This life is not the end for me and it’s not the end for you with Jesus. Because of Him, I will leave Earth and go to another place. You can too.”
Alyssa took a breath after sharing. With tears in her eyes, she thought of her precious Rosa and faithful husband Kile.
“It grieves me to think of Rosa not growing up with a mom her whole life. Even for Kile to be a single parent... And for my friends and family to go on without me. That is what brings me grief. It’s hard for them to carry this burden and walk alongside me in this. My hope for Rosa, Kile, and my family is that they rely on God in the same way I have had to.”
This past summer, Alyssa went through the book of Psalms. She’s written a few on her mirror to remind and encourage herself. It was Psalm 90:12 that stood out to her: “So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.” Alyssa now knows and feels free to live like that. The sense of control she once sought in ballet and over her body she has now surrendered to God. By numbering her days, she has yielded control of her life and body to God, finding the true freedom and satisfaction she had been looking for all along.
12 “So teach us to number our days
that we may get a heart of wisdom.
13 Return, O Lord! How long?
Have pity on your servants!
14 Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love,
that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.
15 Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
and for as many years as we have seen evil.
16 Let your work be shown to your servants,
and your glorious power to their children.
17 Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us,
and establish the work of our hands upon us;
yes, establish the work of our hands!” - Psalm 90: 12-17
Alyssa, thank you for sharing your story. Your faith is beautiful.
I share in your stage 4 journey and His mercies are new every morning ❤️
Wow! Thank you for sharing this testimony. Psalms is a great source for communion with God and direction in life.