Rashawn Riney yearned to work hard for others and for himself. From a young age, meeting expectations and having control was his comfort and source of confidence and love. It was an admirable thing, but without God, it consumed him.
“There was disappointment trying to fill expectations,” Rashawn shared. “Trying to fulfill love. Love was performance and filling expectations. That formed an identity to perform to earn love. Even when I tried my best, expectations were not met. There was a void in me and therefore, feelings of discontent and disappointment. It created this bottle of emotions inside of me that became a cut off. I didn’t want to feel that way because I didn’t feel positive.”
In high school, a series of lows began. One was falling for a money scam that brought so much shame. Another was an addiction that he was not proud of yet gave him what felt like love and acceptance.
“There was a lot of fear of failure,” Rashawn described. “Because of those expectations I put on myself. Pornography gave me an avoidance to not feel bad. It started with hearing and watching terms and looking it up which gave me a rush and happiness. It numbed me to those negative thoughts. I started to question should I be here or not? Does anyone care? If I am gone tomorrow would anyone wonder where I am? I suffered loneliness and isolation on the inside even though on the outside I was being cared for.”
It was Rashawn’s freshman year at Creighton that his perspective started to change. At a Creighton freshman retreat, he started to understand who he was and why he was valuable through new friends. After the retreat, he got involved with campus ministry.
“I understood the impact I could have on other’s lives,” Rashawn described. “When Jesus met Peter for the first time and Jesus told him to cast down their nets. Seeing the blessings I got from retreat was my understanding of why I cast down nets. I experienced freedom that surpassed guilt and shame. I heard the value of being present. The value of God’s presence is made known through others and creation. I was able to see God in all those things. I began to ask how can I see God daily? Especially in the classroom and the normalcy of life. A curiosity was sparked.”
His freshman year continued to spark curiosity and a desire to understand more. One of the biggest sparks was the next summer as a camp counselor. It was through one of his campers. A middle schooler sprained her ankle the first day of camp. Rashawn and the other counselors told her she would have to sit out during the activities. The next couple of days, Rashawn saw her by herself off to the side while the other campers were playing. Rashawn sat down with her to talk.
“I felt so much compassion for her," Rashawn said with sympathy. "I almost teared up. I didn’t know why. I told her that we were not trying to take her fun away but to protect her. I told her the story about being scammed out of thousands of dollars. I told her that day was the most disappointing of my life. The effect it had on others and the emotional stress on my parents and siblings. I told her how a week after that, at my grad party, I got the exact amount back in cards and gifts. How that made it click in me ... The value of asking for help."
"The bravest thing is to ask for help. I told her maybe there’s a reason for this. She heard all of it and then said that it wasn’t a coincidence that I was her counselor. That one thing she told me, changed my life. Up to this point I did not believe in God. When she said that, it opened my mind to what I was meant to do. I wasn’t there for me but for others. Just like God’s love is not for Himself but for others. I just needed to receive that. I wanted that.”
God continued to give Rashawn opportunities to be loved and to receive love instead of the lie he had to earn love.
“At another college retreat, I had so much frustration,” Rashawn described. “I was so mad at myself. I didn’t know why. I made mistakes throughout the day and was hard on myself. But it was bigger than just that. I couldn’t think straight nor focus on worship. I just sat on the bench and thought about it. I couldn’t get it out of my head. Later, a friend came up to me and sat with me. It was God, the Holy Spirit who worked through her. She sat next to me, shoulder to shoulder. She said do you want someone to talk to or listen to? I told her my frustration, the shame and the mistakes. She paid so much attention and affirmation. Someone saw me and wanted to create space for me in the suffering."
"That was God’s love through her. It was a gift, and I just had to receive it. Knowing there is no greater love than the love God can give you and that you can receive. You don’t have to work for it. It’s not transactional. He’s willing to walk with us in life. I want to live that out. I want to help others know that anybody can live that. You just must bow down to the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. He loved you first.”
In college, Rashawn was invited to Salt Company, Citylight’s college ministry. At Salt, Rashawn saw and heard about God’s love. He saw a healthy community. When he graduated, Citylight Church became a lifeline to growing and accepting God’s love.
“I was humbled after college,” Rashawn confessed. “God humbled me and continued to cultivate in me a desire to love and be loved. I talked to one of my friends about this. She asked me when was the last time you let Jesus love you? I couldn’t answer that. I read 1 John 4 every day. In verse 19 it says we love because God first loved us. That just blew my mind because He first loved me. With this love I can rest in it. With this love, it doesn’t matter that I am alone. He loved me before I sinned, before I was out of the womb ... This is so intimate, and I am worthy of that love.”
Last fall, Rashawn publicly showed this love that God gave, and he received. He got baptized at Midtown. Today, his desire is to live a life that only reflects that love but also allows that love to flow out of him and onto others.
“I don’t have to rush life,” Rashawn concluded. “I don’t have to find this five star career. I can take time because I know the One who redeems time. I can enjoy the steps that He orders. I can be still and know he is God. To have faith and develop faith in Him and not to do it my way but rely on His way. It is a challenge. Right now, it's a way the kingdom is still advancing, and I need to not rush to my conclusions and process. There is no deadline. I don’t need to worry. I want to show the love of God. That’s enough. I don’t have to step back in fear anymore but instead, step up with Christ.”
Rashawn is no longer afraid. All the expectations he put on himself and was chained to have been broken. God replaced those chains with love. A love that surpasses all expectations and fulfills the depths of his heart and soul. Rashawn encourages others to step up and into this love,
“You are loved you are worthy to be loved and you have a calling to give that same love to others. God first loved us.”