Vanesa Eller wanted to be a mom for as long as she could remember. Having watched her mom stay home to be with her and her siblings stands out in her memory. Her mother’s time, attention, and love given to them was unforgettable. Vanessa has admired her and has wanted to be like her. She knew her story had to include kids and many. At least four children … first biological and then adopted.
Travis Eller’s story was different and similar. He watched his best friend get married shortly after high school and then go through the adoption process of their first child that opened his perspective.
Travis and Vanessa married after college. After less than a year of being married, they wanted to start a family. Many of their friends were having kids. The timing seemed to be right. Within a month, they were pregnant. In the same breath of finding out they were pregnant, Vanessa was rushed to the ER.
“I heard the doctors use the words ectopic pregnancy,” Vanessa described that scary moment. “I had never heard of that. It was all weird and so many mixed emotions from “We are pregnant, what!?” to knowing that it could be a life-threatening pregnancy. I had to hold both of those in. It was five days trying to determine if it was ectopic or high risk. Eventually, we got confirmation that it was indeed an ectopic pregnancy.”
An ectopic pregnancy could put Vanessa’s life in danger if not addressed. Vanessa took the prescribed medication for the ectopic pregnancy resulting in an internal rupture.
Confusion, fear, and pain crashed down on Vanessa and Travis. After recovery, uncertainty set in at home.
“I was confused and scared,” Travis confessed. “That protector nature in me was there but I was not able to do anything. I felt helpless. I begged God that she would be okay, that the baby would be okay even though we knew what was happening. Coming home our conversations and thoughts with God and with one another were vague. We prayed and tried to mourn but with the question of if we could have kids or not. Truly, I just was focused on caring for Vanessa. It led me to internalize my anger and questions towards God. The idea of losing a baby and what that meant did not hit me. I was focused on Vanessa.”
The next few weeks a whole set of feelings and thoughts raced through Vanessa’s head and heart. She had no words. She felt as if her life was standing still while everyone around her continued on. It was through an unexpected gift from a close friend that she found help.
“I was given a devotional titled Held,” Vanessa described. “That was so helpful. I would rewrite the prayers from the book because I didn’t have the words. I could relate and borrow words like grace and express what I was feeling.”
Vanessa heard a mixture of messages. From “A lot of people experience miscarriages” and “This is normal” to “Your baby was so small.” None of it was helpful. For her, it was a life.
“If our baby was 30 weeks along, it would have received a funeral,” Vanessa said. “But because my baby was not far along, it didn’t. It was a life just as much, but more forgotten to the outside world. I just felt like it was not fair. It was an “unviable pregnancy” instead of a baby. The hospital language was not fair.”
For Travis, he felt secluded. He began to understand and sense how taboo the topic of infertility is for dads and the lack of resources and help.
“For dads, it's next to zero,” he said matter of fact. “My processing was like telling some friends and praying about it and then shoving it under the rug. I didn’t know anyone else that could relate to it. Infertility as a dad felt so isolating. It was hard. I felt angry and confused and I didn’t know what to do with it.”
The weeks after were difficult. At a follow up appointment, Vanessa was told that becoming pregnant again could be a problem. She and Travis tried to stay hopeful but Vanessa found it hard to even know what to pray for at this point.
“Honestly, I had a hard time asking the Lord for a child,” Vanessa shared. “It felt selfish. It felt like I couldn’t ask God for this good gift, and I didn’t really know why. But later, I was reading the book of Genesis and Abram was praying for a child and how it was a good thing. I remember saying “Lord, I do want to ask for this. Your desire is to give your children good gifts” and so I began praying for a child. A week or two later, I got pregnant. I remember exclaiming “Lord, you are so good!” It felt like the Lord was redeeming our story there. But then, two weeks after this news and everything seeming to go well, our story began to repeat. I was rushed to the ER. I was filled with so much confusion of what could be happening since all my lab work seemed to be saying that it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy.”
At the ER, Vanessa was quickly sent to emergency surgery. She was experiencing another life-threatening ruptured ectopic pregnancy. Waking up from surgery, the door to having biological children was shut. Vanessa and Travis left the hospital in a state of grief, pain, and confusion.
“After it all, to put it very bluntly, I felt like the Lord was a big jerk," Vanessa looked down as she remembered that moment. "I couldn't get over the hurt of feeling like the Lord brought me to a place of being able to ask him for a child, him answering it very quickly, him allowing the first couple weeks of pregnancy to look like things were perfect and then in a moment, all of that crumbling. I kept asking him “Why would you give me a good gift just to take it away?” That was the first time I felt like I could be completely raw with my emotions with the Lord. It was scary to say things that I knew weren't true of the Lord but I knew he could take it. In the past, I had always jumped from my feelings to "but God" and that just put a bandaid on how I felt. But this time, I would just say how I felt and put a period at the end. And through this, I began to heal and believe the truths of the Lord in deeper ways."
That next year was a new journey for Vanessa and Travis. One that they didn’t want to walk through but also at the same time, experienced emotional and spiritual growth. It was more than difficult but yet richer with abundant love all at the same time.
“I now know why to not stay in isolation,” Vanessa shared most ardently. “It can be easy to think that no one cares and so you don’t talk about it. The reality is there are a lot of people that have gone through something similar and people who just care. Even if they can’t personally relate. My friends had a great listening ear. One good friend said over and over “Vanessa your pain and suffering is yours. You don’t have to be on this timeline of healing. Wherever you are in the process is okay.” Suffering is not linear. Processing is not linear. Someone on the outside cannot determine that for you. You can feel and not have to quickly move on. For me, I didn’t need to be told things. Friends who were there to listen and cry, to bring a meal or flowers or with a text. I read somewhere that even if you are unsure about dietary requirements for that person, to just bring a meal. It’s okay. It’s more about the thought. It counts. For someone to put the effort to see me and acknowledge me, in whatever way, was so helpful. Especially months after. The world moves on and you have not. Continue checking in and be present. I had friends who remembered the anniversaries of the babies and that was huge.”
For Travis, he came to understand tangibly the need to mourn and process with others.
“Grieve the loss,” Travis shared with encouragement. “You are not alone. One thing I learned is that I couldn’t be the ultimate protector for my wife. I was broken, angry and hurt. And I needed to go and talk to her. For the longest time, I found it to be the most difficult thing to talk to my wife about everything I experienced as a husband through the two pregnancies. My only objective was to make sure she was okay, happy and healthy. And because of this, I didn’t process the loss until a few months later. When Vanessa was at a point and felt like pursuing adoption, I couldn’t do it. And I felt like I couldn’t talk to God. I was angry at him. But when I finally did start talking to God and to my wife, it was healing.”
God’s word became a close companion for the Ellers and a passage out of the pain and mourning. Scripture provided a freedom to go to God. It provided cries when they didn’t know how to cry out to the Lord and the hope when it felt like there was only darkness.
“Psalm 88 is the only Psalm that doesn’t end with explicit hope and instead with darkness,” Travis acknowledged. “It became a friend to me. It described how I was feeling. Another passage that became a close friend was Psalm 77. In the first half of this Psalm, David comes to God in prayer with all his hard questions. Yet after he comes to God with all his questions, he says “I will appeal to this... and I will remember the deeds of the Lord...” God met me there and was with me. He took on my questions, he took on my anger, he took on my confusion and sat with me through it all. God is big enough to take it all on. It’s not wrong to bring your emotions to God.”
One of the best things given to Travis and Vanessa to help with the sorrow and mourning was given by a couple who experienced multiple miscarriages. They encouraged Vanessa and Travis to name each baby they lost.
“In due time, I would encourage this,” Vanessa and Travis shared with sympathy. “When you are in a state where you can trust God and believe good about him and your life, name your babies. Our babies are Lucas and Luna. They are real people. They are children and beautiful blessings. We want to remember them and talk about them. Psalm 139 says that God knitted our babies together in Vanessa’s womb. We want to fight to remember the gifts they were because the temptation is to forget they even existed. A friend gave us a drawing of Lucas and Luna in our arms. This picture hanging in our living room has been a tangible reminder that these babies were with us. We won’t meet them on this side of eternity, but someday we will.”
This past February was two years since the loss of their second baby and the confirmation of infertility. They have since walked through the adoption process and the roller coaster ride of waiting and rejection. They have come to realize they are not in control of the future … Not knowing how many kids they will have, when they will have them or how close they will be in age, etc. God is in control and that is enough. One year ago this April, they received a phone call.
“That day that we got matched with our son, Roman, was redeeming,” Travis exclaimed. “We got matched 14 months after the news of infertility and we were finally able to be parents. We also realize that not everybody is guaranteed to have kids. Not every infertility story will end with a child in your arms. A truth that we have had to learn (and continue to learn) is reflected in those verses in Psalm 77. You can be real with God about the hard things you go through … but remember he is still good no matter what he gives you. I remember something a mentor said to me a few years back when he reflected on his own story of trusting God in the midst of the unknown. He said, “This is my lot in life and I am going to be thankful and faithful with what’s before me.” I want that to be true of my life. Being thankful and faithful with the lot God has given me.”
Having been matched to Roman has been a gift for Vanessa, and hard at the same time knowing if their babies would have been born, they would have been amazing gifts as well. She can’t imagine life without Roman and considered the cost.
“James said in the Bible to count it all joy in trials of various kinds,” Vanessa declared. “Not that we must be joyful about these trials, but we can find joy knowing that the Lord is not going to waste it but instead use it to grow us closer to him. My continual prayer was "Lord, would this season not be wasted. Would I grow closer to you? Would I understand you in deeper ways? I want to know you deeper and would this be a way to cultivate a deeper intimacy with you.” Travis and I now have a better way of understanding people walking through suffering and we pray that our story will help us to walk well with others who are hurting.”
Vanessa paused for a moment and quickly added
“Another prayer I prayed often was "Lord, my plan for what my family would look like was this, but I don't want to be outside of your plan because I know that you see the whole picture and have the best story to be written." Whether it is having more children some day or for us to be 'parents' to the kids in our neighborhood … I know God will do whatever if for our good and his glory. Some days it has been easier to believe this than others. But, when I stop and remember this truth, I get so, so excited. I know that when I am 60 I will be able to look back at the way the Lord wrote our story and not wish it any other way. Why? Because I can already testify that his plan has been more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.”
Travis and Vanessa are grateful for the way God has written and will continue to write their story. They know that it’s not behind them and their story is still being written.
“There are still moments that are really tough and some that have been redeeming,” Travis concluded. “I noticed that often when people go through hard seasons, they want to know when it is the end. The end is when Jesus comes back and redeems all things. We do have hope. It’s a hope that isn't rooted in the outcome of this life but rooted in the truth that Jesus is coming back someday. Jesus is coming back to wipe away every tear and death will be no more. The former things will pass away.”
The original story Vanessa and Travis had for their marriage and family drastically changed. However, considering what God gave and revealed to them the past two years, Travis and Vanessa would say with confidence and joy that it is a far better story.
If you would like to contact the Ellers, email travisandvanessaeller@gmail.com.