Eight years ago, Stephanie Kitts went on a camping trip to Canada with a group of friends. They packed into a car for the 3,000-mile journey of weaving through national parks and long stretches of prairie and highway. They hiked and talked and in those eight days experienced adventure, nature and memories to last a lifetime. Looking back, it was a pivotal moment in Stephanie’s life. She came back from the trip different. She felt more mature and confident. She recognized for the first time her singleness was not an inhibitor or boundary but instead as a gift and opportunity.
“There’s something about being in nature with God that’s healing and beneficial,” Stephanie shared. “On that trip, I realized I could do big things. I don’t have to have a significant other to be adventurous. I can also take care of myself. Within the church you can feel like you need a spouse to carry out God’s gospel, or mission ... but you don’t. I get that within my community. The partnerships and relationships ... God gives you people.”
Stephanie grew up in the church and thought that being a Christian was doing all the right things and in doing so, the Lord would bless her. She took it upon herself to do it all on her own.
“I believed if I continue living the Christian lifestyle and volunteer and go to all the right places, I will also meet a good Christian man,” Stephanie confessed. “It was my freshman year in high school that humbled me. God showed me that I was doing all these things, but I didn’t know him. He said “I know you Stephanie, but you don’t know me. You know of me. We don’t have a personal relationship. If you are not cultivating your relationship with someone, it’s not existent. It’s not real. Go admit this to people.” We were at a concert and the gospel was presented. God pressed on me that I needed to tell. I had to humble myself and admit to everyone I was a fake and a fraud. Right there I knew I had to confess, so I did. I told my leaders and friends that I made them believe that I had this relationship with Jesus.”
The church leaders were gracious and supported Stephanie’s newfound faith. They didn’t remove any of her leadership positions. This was the first big step in Stephanie’s journey that she still looks back on as God’s continued grace and mercy. Another big faith step was when Stephanie was 20 and moved to Omaha. It was then she discovered the freedom in Christ. God had surrounded her with a group of genuine believers that walked with her.
“When they were mad, they told you and they didn’t hold it over your head,” Stephanie said with gladness. “They were the same person at church and at home! That was crucial for me. People showing the same characteristics no matter where or when.”
This new community fueled Stephanie’s desire to serve the church. Being single offered a unique ability to have little constraints and more time to do so and the leaders at her church quickly exercised Stephanie’s strengths. She led Bible studies for young single women, babysat kids for young families, and served in the college and youth ministries. Looking back, Stephanie recognized this as another pivotal moment in her faith and calling.
“I was burned out from serving in many different areas of the church,” Stephanie admitted. “I was doing a lot. There’s a quick assumption that because you are single, and you don’t have family near, that you can do it. I do already lean in the direction of doing it all already. It can quickly become too much because of this and because I don’t have those anchors at home. Since 2020 there’s been an ongoing conversation in my community about being single, what that looks like, and all the tendencies that can come along with that label.”
Stephanie started attending Citylight the same year. The same year that she went on the pivotal camping trip. Since then, God has given her opportunities to grow in her faith, in community and in understanding of who she is in Christ especially as a single woman.
“Being in a multi-generational church has been awesome,” Stephanie exclaimed with love. “I love getting to be a part of a spiritual family and taking on the role of a spiritual auntie. A few of us were having dinner last summer, women from every age group sitting together, and I told them I'm in the clear for not having the weight of making sure I’m raising children because I don’t have kids and they said, “Yes you do!!” This shifted my perspective. They said, “You are helping us raise our kids and shepherding the next generation.” They all reminded me that it’s a great responsibility and that stopped me in my tracks. We are a spiritual family, and just like a regular aunt is vital to the family, so is the spiritual aunt to the spiritual family. Those aunties are the ones that are fun, and kids want to tell them things. I get to witness this in my small community. Their kids are excited to see me. I get to experience a family and intimacy within it. I recently heard an author say that just like we are from a regular lineage, we are also a part of a spiritual lineage and to not let it stop with us. I have served youth for 15 years and I have students who are now serving in the church, working for ministries, and faithfully raising their families to know the Lord .... God has revealed to me that what I am doing does matter. It is so fun to see the fruits of your labor!”
Stephanie has come to realize that being single isn’t a lesser role within the church—it’s complementary and a gift. She has come to realize that she gets to experience a unique freedom to set her own boundaries and to put her ‘yes’ on the table with ease. Since God has revealed this truth, it has grown a love for the life she has been given. There are struggles, but regardless of your marital status or age, struggles are a part of life. As the Church we have been given the command to walk through life together as brothers and sisters in Christ. God knows it is best for us when we do and that it is a gift. No matter where we have been nor who we are right now, one status is not stronger than the other. One position is not better than the other.
“I would want others and the Church to not look at singles as less than,” Stephanie shared with care. “Singles are not second-class citizens and are not a problem to be fixed. We are all needy at times. I think the stigma around being single is “you make bad decisions, you are not willing to make a commitment, or you have something wrong with you.” I do have something wrong with me, we all do. Over the years it has made me think or feel disqualified. Now, I love my life and there is not a whole lot where I think it would be better if I was married. I don’t feel like I am lacking. I do know people who are on dating apps and that is just not appealing to me. It must be the right person, someone who I see and know their character. I’m very skeptical of all that.”
So, how do we fight against characterizing and ignoring this part of the Body of Christ? Stephanie suggests by being inviters. Invite singles into spaces like City Groups, serving teams, leadership roles, and at your dinner table. Not because they are single but because they are a part of the church. Ask your single friends first if they do want to be set up on dates instead of taking it upon yourself. Stephanie shared that “A lot of times women are looked at as someone who could fix a man’s singleness and their less-than spiritual leadership. I’ve had to fight the lie that just because someone is a Christian doesn’t mean there is automatic compatibility. You can be friends and that can be enough.” For the singles who are in the church, Stephanie encouraged those to be vulnerable.
“I think that you have to be vulnerable,” Stephanie admitted from experience. “If you don’t practice vulnerability outside the marriage, chances are you won’t practice it in a marriage. Also, honesty in and with your community. I have four girls in my life and they know everything. When I am struggling, they know just by looking at my face. To me, to be known by others and to be still loved reflects a version of Jesus and God that we don’t see on this side of eternity. I have had moments of great anger, great sorrow, and those women are there for me. Even their husbands are there. Their thoughtfulness to their wives, my friends, and to me, is huge. They care for the wife’s communities. They are brothers in our church who also play a vital role in this family. They help and serve in the church. The cohesiveness among some of the serving teams at church is so strong. We do holidays, birthdays, funerals, and weddings together. We do life together. If you don’t have this, don’t give up. It’s out there. You must be vulnerable and to serve. You must be open and willing. Vulnerability most of the time is met with vulnerability.”
Before Christ, Stephanie thought she had to do everything on her own, that it was all up to her, and that she was alone and incapable. Today, she has a church and a community of brothers and sisters in Christ who are willing and wanting to help. No longer impaired by her misconception of singleness, Stephanie loves the life God has given her. Most importantly, she knows Jesus and has dedicated her life, and singleness, to him.